Written by Lauren Hueber, MS-MFT
While stressors are a fact of life and unavoidable, stress is an experience that is often misunderstood, which increases the vulnerability of heeding societal pressures to push through the stress. To avoid, suppress, ignore, or even accept the mental and emotional strain as immutable is gravely dangerous and can lead to numerous health complications, even death. To quote the late famous physiologist, researcher, and philosopher, Claude Bernard, “It is what we know already that often prevents us from learning.” This nugget of wisdom embodies the foundation of my work as a trauma-informed marriage and family therapist, as I believe to truly learn, we must be willing to unlearn, challenge what we think we know, and remain curious, flexible, and open to alternate ideas.
So many of us find ourselves in a place of stasis, and that place is terrifying when we feel we are exerting tremendous energy in pursuit of something yet gaining no traction. In her New York Times Bestseller, Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Emily Nagoski, Ph. D (2021) writes, "Stress is about survival. And while sex serves a lot of purposes, personal survival is not one of them" (p.116). Recognizing how we might ignore, overlook, and even tolerate stress is vital for overall health and well-being. Learning about this seemingly simple paradigm of stress might uncover some profound insight that may be the catalyst to unexplored solutions and prevention methods. Added perk - it might just lead to more sexual desire and pleasurable sex. Let's get into it.
First and foremost, stressors and stress are not one and the same. Stressors are events, situations, and perceptions that kick-start the stress response cycle. While some stressors are optional, most are necessary to our livelihood. Understanding the difference between stressors and the associated neurological-physiological response, better known as stress, can actually change the way we experience stress. In their New York Times bestseller, Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking The Stress Cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski (2019) explain, “There are external stressors: work, money, family, time, cultural norms and expectations, experiences of discrimination, and so on. And there are less tangible internal stressors: self-criticism, body image, identity, memories, and The Future. In different ways and to different degrees, all of these things may be interpreted by your body as potential threats” (p. 5).
Under general circumstances, when the brain perceives a challenge or threat, an automatic stress response directly relates to the most urgent threat. Let me break this down. A loud beeping noise rips you out from a deep night of sleep, and this stimulus initiates the beginning of the stress response cycle. The noise is first received by the thalamus, where any relevant prior perceptions are attached and fired off in two directions - the amygdala, where the information is quickly evaluated for level of threat, and the frontal cortex, where conscious awareness and logic weigh in. It’s important to note, though, that the information takes several milliseconds longer to reach the frontal cortex, which might explain some rash reactivity some of us may have demonstrated in this situation (van der Kolk, 2014).
In short, the amygdala’s sole job is to keep us alive and can easily jump to conclusions with threat detection. The amygdala will alert the hypothalamus and brainstem, and a rally call is sent to the autonomic nervous system (ANS) to press the gas pedal; the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), and all of this can occur before the frontal cortex offers any conscious information regarding logic (van der Kolk, 2014). The amygdala initiates a cascade of responses, such as the release of cortisol and adrenaline, which increase heart rate, blood pressure, and speeds up breathing as a mechanism to mobilize. Once the frontal cortex is online, logic informs a more accurate depiction of the stressor, and the middle phase of the cycle begins. This is when cortisol remains elevated to keep you moving and alert as you engage in a series of morning routines. Your brain is working to adjust to the stressor and take action to address what needs to be accomplished. The final phase and completion of the cycle occurs when the second branch of the ANS pumps the brakes, which is the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), guiding the body back to baseline (van der Kolk, 2014).
The paradox many do not know is that the cycle is not always completed once the stressor is gone, solved, or attended to. The stress response cycle is an adaptive evolutionary response hard-wired into all animals, designed to detect threats for survival purposes. During the hunter-gatherer days, humans were much more physical, and the threats looked very different then than they do today. For example, in our modern era, it is almost unheard of to cross paths with a lion or tiger unless on safari or visiting a zoo, but long ago, this was a real possibility and the kind of threat our bodies are wired for thousands of years later. If, in fact, we were chased by a lion, our brains quickly decide for us whether to flee or fight before logic can weigh in, and the stress response cycle arms us with the necessary arousal state to address this life-or-death occurrence. What was once fleeing from a large predator is today reading a breaking news alert on our smartphone, and while these stressors are vastly different, our bodies can respond similarly. This is where the crux exists; unlike the physical threat that prompts a clear fight or flight response, modern-day stressors lack a clear beginning and end, which confounds the completion of the stress cycle, leaving the body on high alert unnecessarily.
When chased by a lion, you run for your life, hopefully escaping the threat and returning to the safety of your village, thus completing the stress cycle. However, the psychological pressure experienced in response to news reports that threaten basic human rights or the uncertainty and worry felt about a disagreement with an important other are not quickly avoided and cannot be easily escaped or conquered, which often results in a prolonged state of stress. When stressors continue to accumulate without completing the stress response cycle, the body remains in a heightened state of tension, trapped in a stress response. When the body is continuously secreting cortisol, adrenaline, glycogen, armed and ready to mobilize, day after day, week after week, every single organ in the body is impacted.
Emily and Amelia Nagoski (2019) explain the consequences of chronic stress can wreak havoc on the body, impacting every organ system, from hormones and immune functioning to digestion and the cardiovascular system. As stress progresses and mounts, the amygdala is in overdrive, interpreting all stimuli as a threat. Nagoski (2021) writes, “The brain can handle only a limited amount of information at a time; at its simplest we can think of stress as information overload, so when there’s too much happening, the brain starts to triage, prioritizing, simplifying, and even plain old ignoring some things” (p. 115).
Nagoski (2021) explains how our brain is designed to keep us alive, and under this level of overwhelm the basic physical and foundational needs for air, food, shelter, and water become a main focus. In survival mode, attending to other components of life like arriving at work on time, nurturing social relationships, maintaining personal hygiene, working out, and even sexual intimacy can become a burden. Stuck in the “on” position for a prolonged period will surely lead to some noticeable symptoms, which can manifest both mentally and physically.
Some indications that you are experiencing stress overload might include irritability and mood fluctuations, emotional reactivity, exhaustion and fatigue, difficulty making decisions, digestion upset, muscle aches and pains, headaches, sleep interruptions, confusion and disorientation, forgetfulness, and feeling more overwhelmed and emotional than normal. Completing the stress cycle is imperative to overall health and well-being, and we must tune in and listen to what our body is telling us in order to nourish and provide what it needs to complete the stress response cycle.
To complete the stress cycle, Emily and Amelia Nagoski (2019) advise, “Remember, your body has no idea what ‘filing your taxes’ or ‘resolving interpersonal conflict through rational problem solving’ means. It knows, though, what jumping up and down means. Speak its language - and its language is body language” (p. 15). It is easy in this fast-paced, demanding, and stressful life to ignore our own needs, as far too often, there are obligations and responsibilities lurking around every corner begging for our time, energy, and attention. Many of us, specifically women, spend our entire lives conditioned to believe everyone else’s opinions about our bodies, making the individual mind-body connection an adversarial relationship fueled by mistrust and avoidance. As women, we are often expected, programmed through repeated messages and experiences over our lifetime, to prioritize the needs of others over ourselves.
However, the longer we betray and abandon our body and mind, the more exhausted we become, and the message our body is begging us to heed becomes louder and more difficult to hear. If we deny ourselves, we slowly disappear in plain sight. If it isn’t clear by now, I will say it again - addressing the stressor is not the same as addressing the stress in your body, and the rising tide of incomplete stress hormones, if left unattended, can lead to your own metaphorical drowning. Once the stressor is addressed, meaning the bill is paid, the presentation is delivered, that test result is received, or the relationship is repaired, our body still needs to know it is safe. Simply telling ourselves, “I’m ok. It’s over now,” is not always enough for the body to calm down and return to baseline.
I described the autonomic nervous system’s role in the stress response cycle, where the second branch, the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), comes in clutch. Where the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) plays a crucial role in arousal, acting as the accelerator or gas pedal, during the stress response cycle, the PNS does the opposite, pumping the brakes and guiding the body back to baseline. There is a simple way of experiencing these two systems for yourself, and all you have to do is breathe - when you take a few short, deep breaths in, you activate the SNS.
Alternatively, slow, long exhales activate the PNS. Bessel van der Kolk (2014) describes the PNS’s functional role in rest and digestion and states, “It triggers the release of acetylcholine to put a brake on arousal, slowing the heart rate down, relaxing muscles, and returning breathing to normal” (p.79). One accessible and actionable practice to integrate into your daily life is paced breathing. The box breathing method is one I personally find easy to remember, and it has served me countless times during emotional dysregulation.
Box Breathing: Inhale to the count of 4; hold to the count of four; exhale slowly to the count of 4; hold to the count of 4. Repeat 4x. The other important factor about stressors is some aren’t easily or quickly resolved, overcome, dodged, or conquered. For example, preparation for a major presentation, working on a project, planning an event, and any major life transition. Some stressors actually lack a foreseeable endpoint altogether, such as the state of the nation, political and systemic barriers, the role of parenting, taking on the care of an aging or ill loved one, living with a chronic disease, a lifelong disorder or disability, the ending of a major relationship, and the loss of a loved one.
More often than not, it is imperative for our own health to walk away from the stressor and deal with the stress.
Here are some methods to address and complete the stress response cycle, which are not a one-size-fits-all, meaning you will best serve your stressed self by finding the techniques that work best for you.
Physical
Exercise, even dancing or walking, helps discharge built up stress.
Deep Breathing
Activates the parasympathetic nervous system, signaling safety
Laughter
A natural stress reliever that shifts the body to a relaxed state.
Crying
Releases built up tension, and restores emotional balance.
Creative Expression
Writing, painting, or music can help express and process emotions.
Social Connection
Hugs, talking to loved ones, or feeling understood helps signal to the body the threat is over.
While there are many practices we can integrate into our lives to better care for our bodies and restore some amount of peace and calm, it is possible that our attempts to address emotional overwhelm on our own won’t quite bring about the relief and restoration sought or needed.
As a mental health clinician and trauma survivor, I know how multifaceted and complex the state of psychological, emotional, and social wellbeing can be. So, while this information might be helpful, it is not a substitute for informed treatment from a qualified mental health professional who can thoroughly evaluate contributing biopsychosocial factors in order to provide treatment. There are various factors related to stress that complicate, even hinder, one’s ability to initiate the healing and recovery process on their own.
One of these factors is surviving trauma. Bessel van der Kolk (2014) explains how trauma is held in the body, leaving an imprint that can manifest as a sort of splitting, or avoidance, of the physiological messages the body is sending. He goes on to explain, “The price for ignoring or distorting the body’s messages is being unable to detect what is truly dangerous or harmful for you and, just as bad, what is safe and nourishing. Self-regulation depends on having a friendly relationship with your body. Without it, you have to rely on external regulation - from medication, drugs like alcohol, constant reassurance, or compulsive compliance with the wishes of others” (van der Kolk, 2014, p.99).
Stay tuned for the next blog in this series as I plan to explain how trauma, specifically interpersonal trauma (relating to other people who intentionally or unintentionally cause harm), leaves an imprint on the nervous system. While there might be barriers holding you back from pursuing help, I want to offer a few gentle, compassionate words - you do not have to suffer in silence; acknowledging you are struggling and might need therapy does not negate that you are also a competent, brave, and resourceful human. In fact, choosing to face ourselves and pursue help demonstrates immense intellect and courage. Furthermore, you deserve the good this life has to offer, and with a qualified mental health expert who will use a variety of approaches to assess, track, and identify the underlying sources of stress to tailor therapeutic methods to your unique experiences and needs, you might begin to understand and believe more deeply what this truly means for you.
Nagoski, E. and Negoski, A. (2019). Burnout: The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Balentine Books.
Nagoski, E. (2021). Come as you are: The surprising science that will transform your sex life. Simon and Schuster.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking Penguin.
Comments